Dear JPR #7

Dear JPR,

I seem to have a problem holding on to my stuff: I am a chronic loser. Worse yet, the more valuable the thing, the more adept I seem to be at letting it escape my ownership. Wallets, boarding passes, keys, phones, a $1400 tax return…you name it, I’ve left it out in the world to be discovered and returned by a kindly stranger. So far, I’ve been pretty charmed: my wallet and other pocket items have usually come back to me in time, often undamaged and sometimes filled with money. But that thought doesn’t help when I am frantically rummaging around in my bag, panicking and then experiencing a thorough sense of disappointment in myself. Save for tying a string to all of my portable possessions, what can I do?

-Totally Acute Retention Deficit

Dear “T.A.R.D.”,

Unfortunate name. Pity. Your problem is a relatively common one; a lot of people lose things. Sometimes they find them and sometimes they do not. From what I read, that is life. One piece of advice I would give to you is to hold on tight to everything you own. Howevs, that is not always practical in this work-a-day world. I, and you, only have a maximum of two hands. Pockets can get bulky, and bags are too commercial.

As I sit here on this Sunday morning with a cup of coffee (joe) and muse about your problem, I cannot help but think about Batman. Not the Batman from the previous Dear JPR column but the real Batman. That other guy, I determined, was not really Batman. I think about Batman when thinking about you, T.A.R.D., because Batman does not lose things (he actually does the opposite: he finds things).

Partly, this has to do with his utility belt. I recommend getting a utility belt to keep all your possessions at hand at ALL times. Batman needs a lot of stuff and he also needs to be able to move swiftly. The utility belt is the premier item for keep your shiz on hand and still remaining quite mobile. Check it out.

Another reason why Batman does not lose things is his extensive martial arts training. As a way of helping you become better aware of yourself and your surroundings I am recommending going to Batman Training School.

Please explore the link I have provided for more info on this school, but I think you will see how beneficial it could be to you and your stuff. I am unaware if you will get a utility belt when registering.

So, basically, I am saying know thyself, know your surroundings, and keep it all in places where you know they will be. Try to think about your possessions when you are using them so you are paying attention to where you put them when you are not using them. Have a place for your keys, grapple-gun, wallet, etc.

I hope that helps a bit.

your friend,

JPR

xo

Dear JPR #6

hello JIPPER. (that’s j-p-r said phonetically),
i’m having this problem with a relationship, but it’s not my relationship. i already have a girlfriend, and i’m quite happy with her and we’re doing fine. the issue i have is with a friend of mine who has decided to breakup with his girlfriend. they’ve been together for about 8 months and i really love hanging out with them when we go out. they’re funny together and always interesting. she is a fashion magazine editor, is fluent in japanese and has a wonderful sense of humour.
this friend of mine, let’s call him pedro, had a discussion one evening with her about the future of their relationship. she expects to be settling down with kids in the next three years and wants to get married. pedro still wants to do a fair bit of travelling and go back to school for his phd. so, they want different futures, and now they are on a month break.
i have to tell you mr. advice giver, that this month has been the most boring-est month in the world. pedro is all depressed and stuff, and going out on weekends with him is not nearly as much fun, so much so that i kind of want to break up with him. i mean, his decision to breakup with this is girl effects me too, right? i don’t think i can explain to you how much fun this girl was to hang out with, and how much i dislike pedro now as a result of his selfish selfish decision.
so for the past few weeks i keep trying to tell him that he should start settling down, that he is past his prime and that he should think about having children anyway. fuel prices are sky-rocketting and he probably can’t travel very much anyway, and phd’s are a bit overratted, espescially if you can’t get in to some of the top 30 schools.
what are some other arguments that might persuade him to date this girl again? how do i keep them together? i really miss her, and can’t imagine my life without her.
sincerely,
Batman

Dear Batman,

Are you really Batman? Really? I bet you are not. The real Batman is not as wordy as you. No offense. (Now you say “None taken.”)

Sorry, it has taken me so long to reply to your question. (Now you say “Oh, no problem.”)

Batman, I do not think you are being selfish to want your buddy and his boo to get back together. I have observed in life and on television that people often need to be coerced into wanting to settle down with there special someone–or anyone. If they haven’t realized how much they want to not have to take someone else into consideration in almost every decision they make, then mentioning it a lot to them is a good way of getting them to “be into” marrying. And you say that they have different plans and desires for what they want their lives to be? Well, that is fairly easily resolved by one of the couple getting over themself.

Pedro seems like a selfish dingus in this matter. Perhaps a misogynist as well? Hmmm? Also, PhD’s are indeed overrated–try finding a wife with one of those.

But if you want to get him back together with his girlfriend, Batman, here are a couple suggestions:

1. Remind him about how he used to have sex with this lady. (He might want to have sex with her again).
2. If you are with him when she is around, push him into her.
3. Freeze his semen (with sperm) and inseminate (or have someone else inseminate) it into her when she is ovulating. (and baby makes three…. BAM!)
4. Tell him how upset about this whole thing you are, and go a little insane. A little.
5. IMPROVISE. This may start out rough but usually it solves all problems.

There, Batman. Good luck. I hope this helps you out.

-JPR

ps: The Dark Knight opens in all theatres on July 18th.

everything is beautiful? i disagree.

ps: this was borrowed from here.

welcome back

Welcome back, me.

Thanks.

I was on vacation (vay-kay) for a few weeks and that was great. But I have been back for a while yet there have been no posts. Why? Well, I am going to try to explain even though I have no real clear idea why.

I got off track, I think. I think that if what I did. I got off track. I forgot my blogging priorities. You see, I was traveling in the fabled Canadian north where people still use animal fat to blog (not pets though). Howevs, I am back now and have been for a while but now–today–I am ready to get back into blogging again. I remembered how nice it was this time of year on the internet. My advice column blog is back too. I have been putting off replying to a couple of questions for pretty much no good reason. I am sorry to these people who sought me out and I let them down a bit. I have spent too much time reading reviews for nintendo ds games and not enough time giving back to the internet. So, I now throw down the guantlet to myself in order that I follow through with my blogging and to warn you that I am here. So, that’s the anthem get ya damn hands up.

let’s see how this thing plays out

Let’s take a look at what the hell is going on in Riversdale these days.

Hmmmm, things look f’ed up.

Why do all the guys have sideburns? Answer: I don’t know. I think this might be just the thing Archie & the gang need to keep (keep) them relevant in the world today. Bring on the drama involving Archie, Betty, Veronica, and text messaging.

PS: I am on vacation in two days. I am waiting but I hardly can.

Dear JPR #5

Hi. I have felt ill for a the last little while and that has made blooooogging low on my priority list. Sorry reader(s). But I am back. Thanks for all the questions you guys have been sending. Anyways, back to the show….

Dearest JPR,
I want to make friends with a girl whose blog I read, but she is more e-popular than me on the internet and gets blog-spotted a lot, and I want her to know that I’m as cool as her..
How do I get her to read my blog and be my friend without coming off as a whiny wimp??

Thanks so much,
Blog-Spotter

Dear BS,

Hi. First things first: ensure you are not a whiny wimp. All the e-posturing in the world wide world (yes) cannot cover up the t-ruth. So, if you want to get her to like you, be real in your blog. Or, if you are real in your blog, continue to keep it real.

Now, I don’t know if you know the lady blogger in real life? If so, then I would say you make friends the old fashioned way. Just take a six-pack of beer (or ginger beer if you drink that) over to her place and hang out.

Otherwise, I would maybe just send her a note asking if you could link to her blog from your blog and hopefully she will take a gander at your blog and like your blog and maybe want to link your blog to her blog and/or she will add your blog to her blog feed reader so that when you update your blog she knows about it right away. See, she loves you. Why else would she have added your blog to her feed reader? You have nothing to worry about. If she is as cool as the clothes she wears, then everything will work out fine.

good luck.

-JPR

petty (not richard or tom)

I am into week 2 now of feeling find of sick most every day. it has been different kinds of sick mind you. you should know that. today I stayed home from worksy. it can make a guy (in this case, this* guy) want to ask “is that all there is?”

*me.

Dear JPR #4

Dear JPR
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my career and trying to come up with a strategy that will help me get more into the type of work that I’ll enjoy. I already started a conversation with my boss last week and she seems very open to a discussion like this and I told her I would keep working on it and talk to her about it soon. So then I came up with a good list of work preferences and rational thoughts on what I think could make my job better. I sent my Mom a long email about this and although she thinks its a great idea to talk to my boss, she also said this:

The only bit of advice I would give about that is this: be positive, don’t mention the “detail-oriented” frustrations you feel, as that could hinder your career in her eyes. Think alternatives, but don’t discuss what you don’t like

Would you agree with this strategy? I think I’ve really nailed down what parts of my job I like and what I don’t, and I’m not sure my boss can do as much to help me if I’m not completely honest with her. I agree that I’m not going to be negative, I just want to identify exactly what types of things I do not gravitate towards. I know that there are always parts of your job that are frustrating and that’s just something you have to do, but if I can mold my job into something that minimizes those aspects I would sure like to. Also why would my mom try to kill my excitement for improving my job?

PS: I wasn’t sure if you only give advice on matters of the heart. If so, please disregard this

- I Don’t Trust Mom

Dear I.D.T.M.,

Yeah, I am able to, and do, give advice on all matters related to human beings–careers included.

But getting to your question, I don’t think your mom was trying to manslaught your excitement for improving your job–at all. If anything I think she was trying to carry you in her arms like she used to do when you were a small babe wrapped in your favorite blanket that she made for you and whispering promises to you about protecting you from all the bad things in the world–metaphorically speaking.

She doesn’t want you coming off as a complainer to your boss because laundry lists of “don’t likes” have a way of looking like complaints for some reason. However, I suppose it is possible for you to have a convo with your boss where you maturely bring up your likes, dislikes and aspirations for your job in a productive manner, and it seems like you have prepared to have such a discussion.

But another option would be to not say anything to anybody (especially your mom),and when you are at work, especially when your boss is around, you could let out a loud sigh. After a few days of this, you boss should get the drift and soon she will ask if something is wrong. First you say “I don’t know”, and then walk away quickly. Keep up with the sighing until your boss asks you again if something is wrong. This time you say “No, um….”, and then walk away. Again, go back to the sighing, but this time also mix the sighs in with mutterings of “I can’t believe this is my life”, until your boss asks what is up again. Now, this time you can tell her all the things you don’t like about your job but do it as quick as you can while at the same time do not–I repeat DO NOT–leave any grievances out. It is impo-tant to get dem alls out there. After all this your dream job will likely just happen to you so don’t worry.

Now, get back out there and show your boss who the fudge you are!

Thanks for the question, I hope it helped you out.

Love JPR

Dear JPR #3

Dear JPR

I realized that I will be common-law married in just over a month. What is the common (pun slightly intended) thing to do in this (accidental) situation? Should we have a party and ask people for gifts? Also, is it too soon to send out announcements for the sole purpose of rubbing it in the face of our ex’s?

Sincerely,

Hussied Out Husband

Dear H.O.H.,

Common-law marriage is pretty damn beautiful. I am happy for you that you are on the cusp of something so breathtakingly groovy. It is great when you can celebrate by maintaining the status quo in your love life. Unfortunately there are no real “common”, or popular, thing to do for this event other than coitus (also known as “common coitus”).

However, since there is no real traditional celebratory event to hold for the monumental period you and your beloved are about to enter, you are free to do whatevs. If you do hold a party, do not explicitly ask for gifts. Any “friend” you invite who knows why you are having the party should bring you a gift unless they are rude or poor. The ones who do bring you a gift (and perhaps the poor ones) are still allowed to be called friends of you and your partner in your new christened common-law-ness. The ones who do not should be either cut loose from your life, or you should change the way you act around them in such a way that they know that something is wrong but they can’t figure out what. So, yes, a party may be a good option to choose.

As for your question about sending out announcements for the sole purpose of rubbing the lazy way you committed to someone in your ex-lover’s faces, I would not do that at all. If you do have a party, I would send out invites all the people you want to come, and to your ex’s. No, it is not to soon to do this. It is actually the opportune timeand it allows you to organize party invitations and nose rubbing announcements–which would. you know, save time.

It is great to be able to make a big deal out of holding tight in your relationship. If there is anything that deserves attention and celebration, it is that. Good luck to you.

I hope this helps you in some way.

-JPR

Dear JPR #2

dear jpr,
i have this problem. i have a girlfriend. that’s not the problem, that last sentence is to provide further context to my problem, i shall signal to you when i reveal the problem so just hold your horses. my girlfriend and i live together and there are occasions when one of us uses the other’s toothbrush. i won’t say who uses whose toothbrush, but that doesn’t mean you should assume that it’s me because i’m the one who is telling you about the incident. anyway, she didn’t find out that i was using it until last week when she surprise inspected my morning preparation routine. she has apparently had suspicions for quite some time now.
her argument in that it is gross and icky. i rebutted with the argument that it is not uncommon to have our mouths on one another’s crotches in some circumstances, and that the act of toothbrushing is actually a step up from icky icky premarital sexual activity (sorry jesus).
and so to the issue; what is the difference between a sexual organ and a mouth? and furthermore, don’t you think it is more ecologically friendly to share a toothbrush, especially when one of us uses it only like once a week at most?
sincerely,
Hal I. Tosis

 

Dear Hal I. Tosis,

Peruse these resources for your own edification:

• Mouth
• Sex organ

It is “mos def” better for the environment to share and use one toothbrush instead of two. More so, it is better to use only one toothbrush instead of three as well. Further along these lines, it is much better to use merely one toothbrush in the stead of four whole toothbrushes. Sharing everyday items, such as toothbrushes or gasoline, does cut down on the amount of resources we consume daily (and eventually, yearly).

However, it seems as though your current girlfriend is more concerned with the hygiene issues that might be resulting from you two using the same t-brush. I cannot say how healthy your mouth is, but she may be right to be grossed out. I could postulate about the health ramifications related to sharing toothbrushes, but I am not a health professional, so I won’t.

I will say that if you care about your girlfriend, then maybe you should respect her stuff. And if you want to compare the toothbrush situation with the sexual deeds you do, then maybe it is worth considering how when makin’ luv one should not put anything of someone else’s in their mouth if the person who owns the thing you want to put in your mouth does not want you to do that. The same thing applies to toothbrushes.

I hope this helps in some way.

thanks,

JPR

Dear JPR #1

Here we go; Dear JPR column numero uno (which means ‘number one’ in spanish–apropos, non? (see below))

Estimado Señor James,
Soy un hombre que requiere tu consejo sano. Ves, yo tienes este compadre que ha comenzado un “column” del consejo; y no sé preguntarte acerca de las cosas del deseo de mi corazón. ¿Cómo debe yo comienzan? ¿Qué debo hacer? Soy un hombre orgulloso pero humilde.
De la tolerancia simple,
Guy Obscuro

Dear Guy Obscuro,

For a second I thought you had tricked me by using a different language, but then I calmed down and used an online translator to read your letter/mind. Here is what it told me you wanted to ask me:

Dear Mr. James,

I am a man who requires your healthy advice. You see, I you have this compadre that has begun “column” of the advice; and I do not know questions about the things of the desire of my heart. How must I begin? What I must do? I am a proud but humble man.

Of the simple tolerance, Dark Guy

Great question, Dark Guy!!! What a super way to kick off this advice blog. You have a right to be proud. Here is what I suggest: look at yourself, and then look at your life–do this one after another. Then look at them together–take precisely several minutes to do this–and evaluate what you see. Feel free to use your favorite system of evaluation for this part.

Is it–or “you”–the way you want it–or “you”–to be? This might be distressing or it might be reaffirming; it depends on numerous variables. Now–and pay attention because here is where I come in–if you have any questions about how you feel, what you see in your life, what you do, do not do, or cannot do, then I urge you to write me and ask my advice (at dearjpr@gmail.com).

Does this help, Dark Guy (Obscuro)? I hope so.

Your compadre,

JPR

*special thanks to Babelfish*

reach out

hey gang,

i want you all to know that I am starting an advice column (blog) (yeah, i am an agony aunt). if you would like me to answer any questions you have regarding any aspect of life (only as WE know it though) please email me at dearjpr@gmail.com.

no names will be used in my responses which, incidentally will be posted here at thewheelyapplegate.wordpress.com. i hang out there sometimes.

i don’t know more than you, i am a just a regular (normal) guy…

the first offical ‘advice’ post will be in a few days.

i had a really good weekend. you?